Essay

Relationships: Renew, Recycle, Repurpose

By: Barbara Kazdan, 01/22/2016

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Why did I write off that cousin? How long has it been since that sibling said something unforgivable? What caused that friendship to fade away?

Relationships may end with a bang or a whimper. At times in our lives we break ties with someone who was important to us. Other times someone disappears from our lives by benign neglect. Perhaps we exchanged hurtful words, blew up in the heat of the moment, or our circumstances changed and we went in different directions.

Years go by. We change. Are we better off without the relationship we left behind?

From time to time, I’ve found it worthwhile to revisit these once-valued relationships. More often than not, there may be a reason to renew them. The issue that broke the tie may be irrelevant now.

Like many families, mine is geographically dispersed. For years, one of my cousins served as the “family connector,” checking in on each of us, then sharing our news. I welcomed his calls and passed the news along to my husband and children. These “cousin calls” kept the family together as our parents’ generation passed on. Then the calls stopped. I had no idea why. He was getting up in years, was he no longer able to call? The actual reason never occurred to me until my sister mentioned it. “He told me you never call him anymore, she said. “What?,” I replied.” I never called him, it was always the other way around!” One phone call from me and we were back in each other’s lives.

Life is too short to let a misunderstanding or heated remarks extinguish a close personal relationship. Relationships are durable and portable. If we choose to, we can take the with us when we move to another phase in life or another place in the world.

But relationships can be fragile, too. Happily, in many cases we can put the pieces back together. So every now and then review the roster of Very Important People who got away. Maybe there is a place for them in your life today. Maybe they are wondering the same about you. Your relationship with them now may be different than the one you once shared. It may be a “lite” version of the closeness you once shared. Or you may be surprised to find a richer, fuller relationship than ever; one that enriches each of your lives.

My cousin and I were raised together. We lived in the same neighborhood and went to the same schools. We spent many a New Year’s Eve together, banging pots and pans at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. At holiday meals, we played together while the grown-ups talked on and on. We were in the same “clique” all during high school. Then, as adults we had little in common. We weren’t estranged, but we were no longer close. We no longer lived in the same city, so our paths rarely crossed. Lifestyle differences overshadowed the childhood bonds.

We’re older and wiser now, enjoying grandchildren and calmer, less frenetic lives. Differences pale in comparison to family ties. We took the leap and reconnected. The memories came flooding back. The laughter did, too.

We “repurposed” our relationship. Now we keep in touch often between annual, much-anticipated and always fun cousin’s trips. I can’t imagine life without her.

Maybe it’s time to take inventory of relationships once cherished that have fallen by the wayside. You might find some that are well worth the effort to renew, repurpose and recycle!

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