Essay

Vulnerable

By: Gloria Raskin, 11/5/2011 1:05:04 AM

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When did I cross the line from carefree, secure female to frightened insecure older woman? When did my enthusiasm for life take on an air of caution? When did I start watching myself walk, so I would not trip and fall? When did falling even come into the picture? When did traveling become more of an ordeal and not a pleasure? When did I start to refuse to go away?
When did I start to constantly say what if? When did I begin monitoring my speech with my adult children so as not to offend and just when did my children begin to pass knowing glances between themselves after I spoke? When did my children decide that I was too “negative”? When did I feel I was out of the loop? When did I start not wanting to call attention to myself and hopefully fade into the background? When did I begin to listen closely to my body? When did only the familiar become comfortable to me? When did encounters with the sun only take place with a hat and sunscreen? When did the sun become something to worry about? When did I start taking medications with me every time I left the house? When did I measure all trips in terms of physical discomfort? When did others on trains and buses start offering me their seat? When did I start losing inches off my physical, mental and emotional stature? When did sleeping become a struggle? When did trips to the bathroom become so frequent? When did some days have to be endured instead of enjoyed? When did I become a nervous passenger in a car driven by someone I loved and trusted? When did I start to brace myself for a car accident that fortunately did not happen? When did a low level of anxiety become a constant companion?
When did I cross this invisible line and change the core of my very being? When did my invincibility desert me? When did I become…my mother?

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